Getting Creativity Back After Depression

(Trigger Warning: This blog speaks about deep depression and suicidal thoughts.)

The beginning of 2023 was difficult for me. 

You would think that I would have been on top of the world. After all, my divorce was finally complete in the summer of 2022, I was living life with my kids, our two dogs, and three cats, and by the fall of 2022, I was working on my master's thesis. By January 2023, I had graduated with my MFA. My kids and parents got to be there - finally. When I graduated with my Bachelor's degree in 2020, my graduation was canceled. It was a deep sadness that I felt when I realized my kids would not get to see me walk across the stage. Would they still be proud of me? Then, three years later, it finally happened. 

However, by the time February rolled around, I was in complete shambles. One of my dogs had attacked one of my cats, Link, and he had, unfortunately, succumbed to his injuries a month later. I was finding it difficult to find a job. I thought, "I did what everyone said. I went to college. I have a MASTER'S degree. Why won't anyone hire me?"  I was tired all the time, and my creativity was waning. The only things I found myself writing in my journal were sad, dark, depressed poems and journal entries about how messed up everything was and how, if it wasn't for my kids, I would have found a way out of this life. I was tired all the time; as trying to keep my cat alive was like taking care of a small baby. He was wetting himself nightly; I had to make sure he was eating regularly, squirt water into his mouth so he could stay hydrated, and force-feed him his antibiotics. The fact that he was basically becoming a vegetable was not lost on me; however, the vet had said he believed Link had a chance, so I tried as hard as I could to give him that. 

In the midst of all this, I found that my creativity was gone. I felt that looking for a job was more important than working on my manuscripts. I believed that if I found a job that I liked and felt good about, then I could work on my manuscripts and creative writing on weekends or evenings. I spent my days taking care of my cat and kids, applying to every job I thought I would be qualified for, and constantly getting rejected. I have to say, that didn't do anything to help my feelings of sadness. Getting told, "no," all the time is daunting and breaks a person's spirit after a while. 

However, I eventually found a gig as an editor, and although it wasn't perfect, it gave me the confidence and inspiration I needed to realize that my creativity is important at any time, not just when I'm feeling "up to it" or like I know where my life is headed. It took a while, but eventually, it came back to me. 

 I believe that, as writers, artists, musicians, or any other creative spirit, no matter how long we go without working on a manuscript or story, it's still always there, lingering somewhere in the dark clouds of our minds. It's something we quietly obsess over, and no one knows how often we think of it - even if we haven't worked on it in months. We know it's sitting there on our computer journals, patiently waiting for us to come back - to fill pages with something beautiful, something sinister, something magnetic - anything. 

I actually think that's one thing that makes it so hard. We know it's always going to be there -- it's not like it can really run away or go anywhere. It's there, and we know it, and we say to ourselves, "I'll get to it when I'm not so tired," or, "I'll get to it when I'm happier," or, in my case, "I'll get to it after I find a job." But the point is that - after a while, a truly creative person can't wait anymore. It nearly becomes impossible, especially when it's a piece of work that we're so passionate about or believe in so much. Eventually, I had to muster it up to this: either I finish my manuscript, or I don't, and I spend my whole life wishing I had. 

I see it with my oldest child, who is an artist. She will come to me when she's feeling uninspired or doesn't feel like drawing, and I will say to her, "Give it time. You need a break. But you're an artist at heart, and it will come back to you soon." Then, a couple of days later, I see her hyper-fixating on a new drawing that she has to finish. She won't do anything else until it's done. And that's something I truly admire in her.

After things calmed down in my life, it took me a while to get back into the flow; however, once I remembered what each character's point was; their personalities, their lifestyles, their looks, their body movements, their voices; it came back to me pretty easily. And now that I've reached over 20,000 words, I've felt more motivated than I have in a while. Reaching 20,000 words is a huge milestone for any writer, and it's like a voice that says, "You can do this. Push through. You're almost there. This is what you were made for."